*The Skye Project*

Dear Diary 41

Sometimes
(And it's just so simple)
You wake up
And the world
Says YES!

YES!

to a day of
SUNSHINE

YES!
To coffee
And a book
In the daylight
With warmth
And maybeeee
You can hear birds
Chirp chirp chirrping
4ever.

YES!
to feeling good
Just because.

Just
Because
You are alive.

And maybe
It's one of those
First-day-of-the-rest-of-your-life
Days

And today
You're carpe-diem-ing

And you
Feel like you'll die
If you can't share it.

And maybe
It's not
Always
Like this.

But some
Moments
You can have.

And they're free.

Dear Diary 42

2day
I got a letter
from my mom.

And she
apologized
for all the things
she has done
"wrong"

She said she
is reallllllly
reallllllllllllllly
sorry
for not listening
to me more

and for not looking
into my eyes
when i was speaking...
and for SHUTTING
lots of doors

she said
she now has realized
that I'm a different
kind of kid

the kind that needs
a different kind of attention
from the kind
that she could give.

She said
she prays for me
and knows she
can't get the time back

All the lost
Hugs,
Moments,
talksallnight
4ever
in her mind
are black.

I said
I had already
learned forgiveness
(without Jesus)
a long, long time ago

And I'm sorry
because we can't
go back
So, forward,
We go.

And it's okay.
It's just weird sometimes
when you realize
you're like the parent
and your mom
is like the kid...

Because
it would be nice to
get to be a kid
sometimes......................

But maybe you can

And maybe that's how
you learn,
how to
Really
live
this time.

Dear Diary 43

Last night
I was feeling
reallllllllly
iTcHy
r e s t l e s s
Needing SOMETHING...

Like
M O V E M E N T
People
dAnCiNg

SO!
I went outside.
I went to a show.
I saw a woman.
Singing.

WITH HER WHOLE BODY.

She was
POWERFUL.
Brave.
Inspiring.
And from another country.
(I like accents.)

And I wanted
EVERYONE
To see
What I saw.

But they were taking pictures
SO MANY pictures.
And, how can you see
with your EYES
if you're looking through a camera?

People were clapping
And screaming
So much shouting!
And how can you hear
Through your EARS
if you're shouting?

And everyone was sitting down
In chairs
And I wanted movement
People's bodies touching
And sweat mixing

But how can you dance
With your BODY
if you're sitting down?

Right in front of us
Was a piece of
POWERFUL
VOICE
STRENGTH
WOMAN
HUMAN
LOVE
INSPIRATION

but who would be there
To see it?
To hear it?
To dance to it?

I knew I needed it.
And even though I was afraid,
I got up.
And I danced.
And I closed my eyes
So I couldn't see
People looking at me.

And as my eyes were closed,
I felt them.
All of them.
I could feel that they
Were all
Getting up to dance
Because they felt it too.

SO!
I opened my eyes
To see them!

Only no one had gotten up.

It was still only me.

And that's when I realized
I had to dance enough
To make up for
Everyone
In the room.

Dear Diary 44

It’s raining
And sometimes
I feel like dying
And my heart
It beats so fast
And I’m sorry
If this isn’t happy
But the rain is
Pouringpouringpouring

And
There isn’t always
A reason
For sad
But realllly
It might
Be happy
And I can’t always
Tell the difference

Can you?

help me understand

Why some days
I have every
Intent
Of staying
content
And then
Without warning
Like lighting
Like heart attack
Something is
Gone
But something
Is gained
In a way that
Is much less cliché
Than it sounds.

sounds
of rain
I hear.
4ever.
And when I was a kid
My brother and I
Would put pennies
Under the tracks
Of trains
To see them flatten out.

And I don’t live
By train tracks anymore
But if I did
Maybe I’d find
Some bigger coins
To flatten out.

And today
A woman,
As I was writing,
Asked what I was writing
And I put down
My pen
My coffee
I looked up.
To see
She was wearing
A bright orange
Pea coat
And smiling
So bright
So many questions.

It’s nice when people care.

It’s funny
How someone
Looking in
Deep into your eyes
Can change
The way
You view the rain.
And heart beats
And flattening coins.

Dear Diary 45

I have two friends:
Pie & Pony.
Pie is pink
And Pony is yellow
And when we get together
We’re all pretty mellow!!

We talk about math
And things like that
But last night
They were in a dream
And it went like this:

Pie and Pony
They got verrrrrry
tiny
and sat in the palm
of the hand
of a sad sad sad prisoner
waiting to die
and if he ate Pony
with combination Pie
He could take his
OWN LIFE
So that The State
Could not take it.

He could escape
The padded
white s p a c e
of claUstrOphoBic iNsAnitY
that surrounded him.

D
O
W
N
in his hands
He looked at
Pony and Pie
And they looked back
U
P
And blinked with a sigh
Neither they nor he
Wanted realllllly2die. 

But what could they do?

If the man in the dream
Ate Pie and Pony
All three would go…
And if not
They’d have to let
The State say it was so…..

Yuck! OH NO!
What can they do?
They put on thinking-caps
And sat in a circle. 
There must be a way out
other than these two!!

And once they thought
For a bit
They came up with a third!
RESOLUTION!
And great white ponies
In purple dresses of sequence
f l e w down
That’s a much better solution!

Happy they were
That they had not
Just settled
For the 2choices
in front of them……..

So the ponies swept
Up the man
And his two new
Tiny friends.

And away they
Were whisked
Through the clouds
To the end.
(of the dream.)

Dear Diary 46

See,
This morning
My grandma’s
Sister
DIED.

She died.

My mom told me
in an email.

WHICH IS PRETTY NUTS
IF YOU ASK ME.

She lived
in another State
and I haven’t seen her
since I was younger.
Not tiny...
But VERY young.

I remember her
from her hugs
She was GIGANTIC
and gave the best
hugs4ever.

I remember her
because of
Thanksgivings & Christmas’

She showed up.

She was the
Nicest
Shyest
Quietest
Sweetest
Softest
Most beautiful
girl in the room.

Just like that!

Everyone else
Was YELLLLLING
And going CRAZY
AND t h r o w i n g f i t s
T h r o w i n g  g l a s s e s
T h r o w i n g  u p.
ALLTHETIMECONSTANTLY.

Not her.
She was special.
and I liked to see her
talk to my grandma.
My grandma is a HI-stress kind of lady.

But her sister could
calm her
like a nap
like a bread pudding
like pudding
or bath-time
bath-tubs
back-rubs
Pencil erasers...
(And just how good it feels
when you press the eraser
onto the paper and move it
Back-and-forth, back-and-forth.)

And now
She’s gone.
4ever.

It’s okay.
People die.
I will die.
Everyone does it.
But it’s sad.
You know?

A person.
A family person.
Click.
You connect.
And you get
used to the idea
that you’re not so weird.
Because someone shares
Some things.
Some nice things.
Some things that make life easier.

But one morning
You check your email...

And you know what?

Pencil erasers are just
Not as fun
On computer screens.

Dear Diary 47

Yesterday
I was reading
a book
about
How to be HAPPY.

Happy
Is
How
I
Want
To
Be.

Sooooo,
The book
says
To sometimes
smile
at things.
Like your food
or when you’re walking...
Smile at your footsteps.
Smile at the trees.
Squirrels
Birds
People
Rocks
Socks
Boxes…

And it seemed pretty weird
But then
WHO CARES
I want to be HAPPY.
so
I smiled at things
for a while.
And I waited.
And waited…..
waited & waited….
And was kind of
expecting them
To mayyyyybe
Smile back at me.

But they didn’t.
OF COURSE.

And I laughed
to myself
for all this smiling
So that
worked
(kind of)

But does
laughing mean
happy?
Sometimes.
But sometimes
Not.
Sometimes
it means
covering-up
for the sad.

I don’t want that…
Pretend laughs
pretend smiles..
So I decided not to
Force it
Fake it
Take it…

And I got on my bike
to ride home.

And on my way home
I saw
TWO PEOPLE
Slow-dancing
In the park
&
There wasn’t
any music
But they were
holding on
to one another
and turning
in circles
like a middle-school-dance
Only
they were
not in middle-school.
They were grown-ups.

And I watched them
do that
In the sunshine
4hours.

They didn’t notice
anyone around them
they were
too busy
laughing
smiling
absorbing

and I smiled
4 real
because
they had found it.
And in a way
so had I.

Dear Diary 48

This morning
I looked through
My blinds
And I saw
S n o w.

Falling
In front of my
Face--
In front of
The pink flowers
That grow just outside
My window

What strange
Things to see...
Flowers so beautiful
Blooming bright
And snow also beautiful
Peaceful and white.

BUT WAIT!
It’s MARCH.
Not December
Or January.
It’s the end of March.
And, and, and…

WHAT DOES IT MEAN?!
I could feel my face
G r o w i n g
HOT.

Without much time
To think about all of this...
LATE FOR WORK!
grabbed my coffee mug,
Keys and bag full of books
And went outside
With my bike.
Oh.
Snow.
This isn’t the right
Weather to ride in…

So, back inside
and Called a cab

Back outide
waiting
waiting & waiting
tapping feet
wearng boots
in the snow
on the sidewalk..

FINALLY!
cab pulls up!!
and we’re offfffffffffff.........

THEN WE GO DOWNTOWN.
I talk to the driver
he doesn’t seem to notice
I keep talking anyway
about the snow...
because I have to
because it’s so beautiful.

With warm coffee mug in hand
Sitting in the backseat
I look out the window, to the cold,
And this is what I see:

A garbage man smoking a cigarette
And lifting bags into big bins

And a doorman in a suit and hat
Taking bags from an old woman

A woman who is lost
Looking around and at her map

People looking out
From inside cafes drinking s l o w l y. . .   .     .

People walking quickly
With newspapers on their heads

And from inside the cab
I can see snow falling,
white
quiet
like a silent, peaceful warning.
beautiful like an ice queen
lady-killer.

And we pull up to
The final destination
And I get out and give him
pieces of paper leaves,
bits of money.
And as I gather
My things I said,
"Thank you.
I had a great time
With you
This morning."
And he laughed
And said
"You’re welcome."
And drove away
Into the snow.
And I’m not sure
What this means.
I don’t know,
Okay?

But sometimes
Even when things
Are scary
Like snow in March
You can share
Moments with people
And maybe
That’s what we can have.
We can have that.
I want to hold onto it.
no one can take it away.

Dear Diary 49

Ice Cream
I’m eating
While thinking...
Still Eating
Kind of Singing
Like humming
While eating
Ice Cream.
For dinner.
Again.

Thinking
About
Eating
And not eating
How on the radio
2day
the radio guy
talk-talk-talking
about other countries
like Haiti
and people
like me
are not eating
not eating anything
especially not
eating
Ice Cream.

Then the radio
talk-talk-talking
Said that very soon
We might not
Be eating
Especially not
Ice cream
Because
Some people
In the right places
Make the wrong decisions
About things
That have everything
To do with us
And nothing to do
With them.

And it hurt my
Heart
My heart
Was beating
fast-like-lightning
And I set down my spoon
And looked down
At my fat little belly
And cried
What can I do?!
So I called the
RADIO.

"What can I do?"
I asked them that.

(Sometimes when
I don’t know what
to do I just ask.)

And the radio said:

“HI SKYE!
YOU’RE ON THE AIR!”

And I said:

“Oh. I was eating
Ice cream
And it reaalllllllllly
Upset me... “

“ICE CREAM?
YOUNG LADY!
ICE CREAM IS NICE!
BE GLAD YOU
HAVE ICE CREAM
TO EAT
ANYTHING TO EAT.”

“I know.
I feel bad & don’t want to
Be eating this ice cream alone....
If you know what I mean.”

“THERE ARE LOTS OF THINGS
YOU CAN DO!!
YOU JUST
THOUGHT YOU COULD’T
DO ANYTHING,
BUT YOU CAN!
AND YOU ONLY THOUGHT
YOU COULDN’T
BECAUSE YOU WEREN’T
REALLLLLLLY
LOOKING
WERE YOU?”

“No,” I said.
I wasn’t really looking.”

“OKAY SKYE!
NOW YOU KNOW
YOU CAN DO SOMETHING!
YOU CAN!
DON’T LET ANYONE
TELL YOU THAT YOU CAN’T!”

“Okay.”

“YOU CAN STILL EAT
YOUR ICE CREAM
AND YOU DON’T HAVE
TO FEEL BAD.”

“Really?”

“YEAH OF COURSE.
JUST HELP OUT.
VOLUNTEER.
DO SOMETHING!
AND IF EVERYONE
DID SOMETHING...”

“Some things would happen.” 

"BINGO!"

And I hung up
the phone
and finished my
Ice cream
Still  s l i g h t l y  singing
But more like
hummmmming
then went outside
into The World.

and as I was walking
walk-walk-walking
I ended up
behind these two girls.

talk-talk-talking
two girls.

One said:
"Well, I would reallllly like
to do something,
but it just doesn't matter.
No one would listen to me.”

“Or me,” said the other,
“No one pays attention.
Want to go shopping?”

OH NO!
(I actually said this!)
BUT YOU CAN!
DON’T YOU WANT
TO TRY?!
BECAUSE IF EVERYONE
HELPED...
WE COULD MAYBE
SAVE SOME LIVES!

And they looooooked
At me
like I was crazy

AND ITS OKAY
I’M CA-RAZY!!

I don’t care
No time
To care about
Looking crazy
Because

I want some things to happen.

Dear Diary 50

My teeth
Were getting
in the way
of my wisdom
so they had to
take them out.

I kind of wanted
To keep them in
Mostly because
I was afraid
Afraid of living
Without my teeth.

On my way to see
The doc-tor
I thought about
The ooooold days
Where they’d pull
Teeth without any
M e d i c a t i o n...

They’s just say, “Here,
Drink this moonshine!”
And use a pair of pliers
And the teeth would go
“POP!”
And someone might
Be biting a stick...
And I was wondering how
You could drink
Moonshine, bite a stick,
And have a tooth pulled
At the same time...
But I guess that’s what they did.

But today we have
T e c h n o l o g y . .  .

Three women stood
Above and all around me
& Plugged me in
To a room that looked
Like a spaceship
And the doc-tor came in
Dressed in white, smiling big
And asked
“Skye, is there anything you’d like?”
I asked,
“Can we please all hold hands
before I go into space?”
And I remember he laughed
and the nurses laughed

and without
any other memories
I was awake!

And I think that was nice
Although I bet
we didn’t hold hands...

They just rang up my
C r e d i t  C a r d...
And gave me a bag
With an ice pack.
And a prescription
For some pills.

And the pills are like
Moonshine
And the ice pack
like a stick
And this might be
T e c h n o l o g y . . .

But I’d rather
Hold hands
For a minute.

Dear Diary 51

It has been hot.
And my teeth were
Taken OUT...
And it seemed like
No one would
Talk to me.

I had time to spend
In bed
without teeth
Only ice packs
& pill bottles
& memories of nice.
& the phone not ringing

& I’ll roll over to the other side
for a while
& put the ice pack back in the freezer
& take another one out
& take some more pills
& pass out.

I heard having
Your wisdom
Teeth OUT
Would be an easy thing...

But sometimes it seems
Things that are so, so, so easy
For everyone else
Are NEVER
So easy for me.

* d r y  s o c k e t *
(and for no reason at all)

So
I thought
Between the
ice,
pills,
hunger,
gauze,
sad,
ice,
pills,
repeat...

that I would read
some old journals
some old writing
some old thoughts

and then my brain
started working again...

because through all that,
I thought
About who I was
And who I am
And who am I?

Only, they all seemed
So different from
The me inside...

I still connected
To that old Skye...
She’s just not me
Anymore.
Not the same.......
Something about her
Is remaining
But something else
Is gone
Like my teeth...

Only I wish
It were as
E a s y
As a physical pain
To understand.

Dear Diary 52

S p a c e s . . .
BIG s p a  c e s
Feel like BIGGER  s p a  c   e    s    .        .            .
When you’re
Alone
In them.

I should have said
WAIT
DON’T GO.

I should have been
SOMEONE
OTHER THAN ME...

I should have
SCREAMED
AS LOUD AS I COULD

But maybe
It’s like that dream...
The one where
You’re
SCREAMING
And people can’t see you
But you’re
SCREAMING
And being kidnapped
And you’re trying
To SCREAM LOUDER
And you realize
It’s all in vain.

You can only
w h i  s p e r .

You are only
A  w h i s p e r
As far as you can see...

But you still have
Moments
Fragments
Remembering...
Walking...
Down sidewalks
Past strangers
And familiar faces
That go HEY!
The second you see them
And they mean the best
And you mean the best
And it’s all for the best
At least that’s what they say.
And you pass each other
And continue
To walk
Alone
In BIG
S p a c e s  . . .

So today I
Found some
FIRECRACKERS.

Not sparklers.
Those are fun for holding.

THESE
Are FIRECRACKERS
That are good for
EXPLODING
BIG
S p a c e s.

And since I couldn’t
Change
Anything
About anything
Fron b4,
I decided to
EXPLODE
The s p a c e
That was left...
The s p a c e
That kept trying
To SuFfoCaTe me.

SO!
I sat on the ground
With FIRECRACKERS
In.a.circle
All around
And put my head
Between my knees.
Like a kid I sat
And let the EXPLOSION
CRASH &  CRACK
& BOOM & POP & SMACK
& ATTACK & SLAP & WHAK
The s p a c e
That kept
LOVE
Away from me.

Dear Diary 53

Yesterday
I was riding
My bike.

It’s my favorite
Thing to do.

Especially when
It’s so nice outside.

Especially when
I have nothing else to do.

I was riding alone
Songing-singing
To myself
And suddenly
Saw it.

Something very very…

Unbelievable.

I saw a man eating
Out of a
garbage can.

That was not
The unbelievable part.

The unbelievable part
Was that
Everyone
Was pretending
it wasn’t happening.

Somehow they didn’t
Seem not notice.

Very upsetting.
Very confusing.

My bike didn’t stop either.
I was around the corner.
Three more blocks away
Still thinking of him
Eating
Trash
In the heat.

I n v I s I b l e
He was.

His voice unheard.
His tummy hungry.
People ignoring him.
Absurd.

Three more blocks away
Makes six.
I was further from him…
But he was still in my head.

NO WAY! 
WHAT!?
I shouted.

And screeched to a halt.
Got off my bike.
Flipped it around.

Because you know what?

No matter how broke I am..

No matter how broke I am, 
I still,
We still,
have something to give.

Dear Diary 54

This is the hardest …

Oh.

Where do I begin?

Maybe that’s just it.
It didn’t start at the beginning.
So you can’t
reallllllly
start there.

Most things don’t work like that.
With a
Beginning
Middle
&
End.

Most things
seem to start
somewhere in the middle
& End
before you want them to.
At least for me, they do.

What I mean to say
but reallllllllllllllllllllllly
don’t know how at all
Is that I’m going
to take a break
for a little while.

I need to go outside.
I need to see what I can do out there.
I want to help out if I can…
and learn more
about life
and see if I can be
Happy out there.

Going outside
isn’t the only
way to learn.
I’ve learned so much
from staying right here.
Thinking and Talking
Making and Thanking.

Thank you
For teaching me.
So so soooo much
About who I am
And why it’s just okay
to be exactly who you are.

Even though
I’m (we’re) scared.
I’m (we’re) sad. 
I’m (we’re) lonely,
I’m (we’re) working on it.
And some days
I’m (we’re) joyful
And free
& dAnCiNg inside.
Like a fluTTering
in your chest.

So I’m never sure
How to say goodbyes
Because it makes me realllly sad
But sometimes
It’s just important to know
that even if it’s not
when you most expected
Or were the most sure of,
Things shift and change
& leaves fall off trees
& the sun comes up again.

And in my heart
Forever
We’ll always be
Friends 4ever
And something about that
Tells me
Like a secret
Like a whisper in my ear
That everything will be okay
You know…
Even when it’s not.
because just knowing
We’re in it together
Makes everything bearable
Makes all the sad seem okay..

And the times
When I’ve wanted to
Hold a familiar hand,
Just knowing
There are others
That also want to hold hands
Has been more than enough.

❤