erica schreiner ❤ video/performance artist
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*The Skye Project*
Dear Diary 31
Sometimes all of the
Therapy
Talking
NOT talking
Yoga
Moving
Not moving
Sleeping
Not Sleeping
Thinking
Trying to not think
Walking
Waiting
Sitting
Collapsing
Calling Mom
Not calling Mom
Crying
Laughing
Singing
Dancing
Shouting
Quiet time
Making things
Not making things
Riding bike
Falling off bike
Cakes
Eating
Not eating
Reading
Writing
Watching
Listening
Sitting
Trying to be healthy-ing
Just can’t seem to work
The way I think it’s supposed to.
I’m still sad
Like heavy
Like blankets
Like mud under feet
Like chains around my legs
Like prison
BUT sometimes
the chains
are wings
and I hover
just an inch
4
just a second
and that
brief
flight
reminds me
why
i
try.
No escape
only flight.
When that's all there is,
it's
enough.
Dear Diary 32
met a woman
through work
34
looked
42.
this woman
looks for
the joke
all the time.
always going
for the laugh.
i
like
her
a
lot.
and she IS
THAT funny.
married a man
trades stocks
wears a suit
for dinner
downstairs
even.
Says
they might move
to Connecticut
and made
a joke
about
the Feminine Mystique.
said
i hope
your husband
appreciates
how funny
you realllllllly are.
she said
8
years
married
and
the jokes
stopped
long ago.
she said
we drink
to remember
what it
was like.
she said
now
he doesn't laugh
so i don't
joke.
she said
I
would
do
it
all
over
again.
like Michael Corleone said, "that's a TRUE story."
got me thinking
about my little life...
lonely vs. unfunny?
...i choose
funny.
Dear Diary 33
in the bath
i see my toes.
i remember
the first time
i saw my toes.
i was diapers small
sitting
on the floor
and there they were.
my toes.
to some
no big deal,
in reality
a triumph!
finding toes
is as big as
Descartes.
"These toes are mine.
If these are my toes,
then I must be!
I EXIST!
EVERYTHING
STARTS
8
7
6
5
4
3
2 (beep!)
NOW.
HEY!
I'M HERE!
COME SEE MY TOES!
hey...
where is everybody?"
i turned on my side
fell over to see
no one.
crawled along the hall
nobody.
cried out
nothing.
Before my first year
in one single moment
I learned two things:
number one
i exist.
number two
i am alone.
in the bath
my toes twiddle
'neath the cold cold water
to make my
toes go
numb.
the logic goes
if
i can't feel my toes
then
i won't be alone
because
i won't exist.
of course
i never
get that far
before
i give up
and strrrrrrrrrretch
for
the blue plastic bowl
where I keep all
17
of my
favorite
bath
toys
and play
Sink The Pony.
Dear Diary 34
why o why
are there times
when
I'm
absolutely
altogether
completely
downright
entirely
totally
thoroughly
utterly
in every way
and every inch
one hundred percent
i n v i s i b l e
and
other times
NOTHINGBUTVISIBLENOTHINGBUTVISIBLENOTHINGBUTVISIBLENOT
HINGBUTVISIBLENOTHINGBUTVISIBLENOTHINGBUTVISIBLENOTHIN
GBUTVISIBLENOTHINGBUTVISIBLENOTHINGBUTVISIBLENOTHINGB
UTVISIBLENOTHINGBUTVISIBLENOTHINGBUTVISIBLENOTHINGBUTV
ISIBLENOTHINGBUTVISIBLENOTHINGBUTVISIBLENOTHINGBUTVISIB
LENOTHINGBUTVISIBLENOTHINGBUTVISIBLENOTHINGBUTVISIBLEN
OTHINGBUTVISIBLENOTHINGBUTVISIBLENOTHINGBUTVISIBLENOTH
INGBUTVISIBLENOTHINGBUTVISIBLENOTHINGBUTVISIBLENOTHING
BUTVISIBLENOTHINGBUTVISIBLENOTHINGBUTVISIBLENOTHINGBUT
VISIBLENOTHINGBUTVISIBLENOTHINGBUTVISIBLENOTHINGBUTVISI
BLENOTHINGBUTVISIBLENOTHINGBUTVISIBLENOTHINGBUTVISIBLE
NOTHINGBUTVISIBLENOTHINGBUTVISIBLENOTHINGBUTVISIBLENOT
HINGBUTVISIBLENOTHINGBUTVISIBLENOTHINGBUTVISIBLENOTHIN
GBUTVISIBLENOTHINGBUTVISIBLENOTHINGBUTVISIBLENOTHINGB
UTVISIBLENOTHINGBUTVISIBLENOTHINGBUTVISIBLENOTHINGBUTV
ISIBLENOTHINGBUTVERYVISIBLE?
i mean
there's
inbe (nothing) tween!
i call
i write
i visit
i send presents
i do ANYTHING
to be a good friend
BUT
there are those
doggone
times when...
there's
no mail
no calls
no time
(no fault)
nooooooobody
to be with!
And so
I COPE.
i cope
i rationalize
i find a way
to be okay
by myself...
even though...
it slightly kills me
because
to be okay...
i must
(turn off).
THEN
once i get there
don't mind
don't care
how it is
all that jazz
THAT'S WHEN THE PHONE RINGS... EVERY SINGLE TIME!
WHY WHY
WHY WHY WHY!?!
am i
supposed to be
growingorlearningormaturingorunderstanding
from this
dumb
dumb
stoopid
dumb
rool?
I
WANNA
KNOW
WHO'S
IN
CHARGE
OF
LONELINESS
BECAUSE
I
HAVE
A
BONE
TO
PICK
WITH
YOU,
SICKO!
Dear Diary 35
"Bundle up!
Did you go pee?"
Then:
"Remember,
whatever you do
don't look
ANYONE
in the eye
because
they may try to
HURT YOU."
This was
the routine
every time
mom
took me
to the city.
For years
I believed
strangers
were out to
get me
steal me
hate me
hurt me.
But you know...
it never happened.
Looking back
on all the HURT
that I'm still
trying to HEAL,
I realize
the ones
who caused the real HARM
were the ones
closest
to me.
Husbands
Wives
Children
Family
Friends
Lovers
have more reason
more opportunity
to cause harm
than a stranger
ever could.
The world is safer
than we think.
Dear Diary 36
this is my fable.
there's a poem
and in it:
"I wore my heart
like a wet, red stain."
For all the
horrordisappointmentgriefsufferingstrugglelossemptinesspurposelessnessindifference
and
loneliness
in my life's
unceasing dirge,
I cannot
occlude
my dilated
heart
and
everyday
the stain
gets
REDDER
and
my skin
gets
WETTER
because
all I know
is
OPENNESS.
I think
maybe
everyone is like this too
but
some people
have tighter
tourniquets
higher walls
thicker skin
or lots of money
for special
bubbles.
but
which way
is the way
to live?
A fern simply must.
It will get eaten.
An ant simply must.
It will be severed.
A whale simply must.
It will get hunted.
And so must I.
I must
and
I try
though I don't know why.
So I let
the stain
seep though
my pores
down to my toes
up through my scalp
bathe once a day
so I can start all over again
yet
for some reason,
I can never wash it
out of
my blonde
hair.
now you know.
Dear Diary 37
This morning:
Woke up
Bleeding
Crying
Thinking I was going to
THROW UP!
diZZy
Headache.
Am I dying?
I want to die!
PLEASE!
I want my uterus out!
KILL IT!
Why am I so ugly?
FAT!
I can’t believe
These are my last moments!
Wretched
B4 I die.
Have to go to work
Where do I work?
Get dressed
Where are my clothes?
I am dying.
Walk to bus.
Missed bus.
Walk to further bus.
Walk past guy
In gutter.
He is with friend
Both playing poker
Or something
Blankets
Booze
Laughter
He calls out to me:
“You’re Beautiful”
And I looked at him
In
His
EYES.
And
They were
Clear
And
Blue
And beautiful.
And for a moment
I believed him.
Sometimes strangers
Say it best.
Dear Diary 38
AAH!!!!
SPIDER!
SPIDER ON MY PILLOW!!!!
GET THE BAT!
Smack
and
Smack
and
SMACK
the pillows
I miss
hit
the bed
instead.
Bat bounces back
hits
my eye
I cry
a little.
Look in the mirror.
I look fine
still
want sympathy.
Call friends
say
"It's important!
callmecallmecallmecallmeeeee..."
ice
in a towel
on my eye
sit
on the bed
forgetting...
AHHH!!!
SPIDER!!
GO AWAY!!!
Why do you ruin my life?
...look at that...she responded!
Oh sure...so you say...
there she goes again...crossing her legs....getting comfortable.
I just need some peace,
I say.
I won't try to swat you again.
her body lifts.
what's that you say?
you are the reincarnation of WHO???
Today,
I met a spider
with a story
I don't like spiders
AT ALL
but
maybe
just maaaaaaybe
I need to
take the time
because
who knows
who will be
my friend
4ever?
ok (ick)
Dear Diary 39
V-Day.
should be called VD Day.
It’s not that I don’t have love.
I have so much
LOVE!
Love For:
YOU
My mom
My brother
My babycat
Strangers.
(we share moments of love.)
And if I’m lucky,
I have love for myself.
That’s a good day.
Not the kind of day
Where someone tells you
HOW TO LOVE!
HOW TO LOVE:
Buy Candy
Buy Flowers
Buy Hearts
Buy a Card
Send an e-card!
Buy a Stuffed Bunny!
I don’t know about all
This Stuffed-Bunnying
And Plastic-Buying
And Candy-Flower-Card-EATING!
What about real things?
Real People?
Real love.
Real Bunnies?
NOT the kind on the shelves.
Oh, but we know this.
We all know it.
It’s just sometimes
When I’m
Having to watch
Like a movie:
All the people kissing
And hugging
And flowering
And candying
And blah blah blahhhhhhhing
In front of me...
Then I question mayyyyyybe
What love is all about.
And I think
Those moments
Are the best to give
a new meaning
to
LOVE.
So, maybe today
Instead of VD Day...
(Valentine’s Depression Day)
INSTEAD
I will
Love the planet
And pick up trash from the ground.
Love my fellow human beings
And buy meal for someone else that can’t.
Love my friends
And sing songs into their voice-mails.
Love my neighborhood baby-cats
And just pick them up for kisses!
Love my mom
And just give her a call.
Love myself
And go to bed early.
Love,
Skye